Ok, so today is my last day at my job and everyone is throwing me a send-off. It's a combination of my worst nightmares - lots of food, lots of people, people watching me, people making speeches about me and me having to say something to everyone at the end. I'm scared, anxious and nervous already (and it's 6 hours away!). WTF am I going to do to cope?!?!
I'm SO scared to leave my job and start a new one. I crave stability more than anything and I'm going to be out of my comfort zone. As if just living isn't me being out of my comfort zone...
I feel like shit about everything; I feel like my life is completely out of control and I don't know what I can do to get back on track...or even if that's even possible anymore. I'm thinking about going back on anti-depressants.
So essentially, I won't have access to a computer for a while. My new job is for the government and I won't be willing to risk accessing this site at work, so I'll have to buy a laptop. Guess that means I won't be on here for a while. Given that, I just want to thank you all who have helped and supported me whilst I've been here and to thank those that have let me help them. I'm going to miss you :(
Bye for now.
Sorry, I meant to say my husband was UNHAPPY with me not eating dinner.
(as if he'd ever be happy about me skipping meals, LOL).
Yesterday I got away with 1/3 cup of Healthy Start cereal (ate it dry) for breakfast, a cup of low fat soup for lunch and that's it. My husband was happy about me not eating dinner, but I just told him I felt really unwell...and given that I do (think I'm getting the flu) I GOT AWAY WITH IT, yay!!!
I'm going to a wedding this week-end and I had to buy a new dress. I was super incredibly anxious, but I didn't have anything suitable. I found something nice and ended up with a size Extra Small!!!!
YAY, YAY, YAY!!
The dress didn't have an actual size, other than to say 'XS', but this is very good news. I've never worn something that small before :)
I'm happy (...for once!!)
This week-end was BAD. I ate a Big Mac and pizza. Yeah, I KNOW that is bad enough, but I ate pizza TWICE!! WTF is with that? Sure, they were small slices but I ate THREE slices in each sitting.
I can see the fat just coming back with reinforcements. I'm too scared to weigh in.
I hate it when I lose focus and get side tracked...but then I wish I was normal and didn't have fat voices screaming at me. Are any of you like this too?
Sorry for the rant and rave (I'll keep it small, LOL!). I just get frustrated that I'm allegedly thin, but all I see is FAT, FAT, FAT.
As some of you would know, my husband and I are going to counselling. OF COURSE my food issues came up in the convo and when we got home, I told him so much more than I wanted him to know. ARGH! Luckily, he was supportive about it and maybe it's a good thing that he knows how bad things are??? I don't know; I'm trying to find some positives in being honest. It's a really scary thing to do though...
It was like purging; once I started a little bit, it just came pouring out (sorry for the grossness, but it seemed an apt comparison).
I feel like things are under control because I'm trying REALLY hard to eat a little bit for each meal and not purge anymore (my piss-ant attempt at being 'normal' and 'recovered'), but he thinks things are worse than ever. God, can't you believe I even told him I'm scared to recover because that means I'll get fat?!
There's such a thing as too much information and that's what I did last night. As per the title, I am a stupid f*cking idiot.
I've been gone for a couple of days; I had some time off to think.
To those of you who gave me advice re: my husband and I last week - I owe you all a HUGE thank you :) Basically what is going on is that we are going to counselling together. We've already had one sesssion and it went well. I'm quietly hopeful...
I ate like crap over the week-end and my days off, although some would say it was eating like a normal person. The strange thing is, is that I'm really craviing junk food. It's like eating a bit of it sets off major cravings for more. I should have just not eaten it, but I didn't have much resolve over my time off. All my thoughts were around my relationship, husband etc.
I MUST GET BACK ON TRACK.
I'm tired today; I slept REALLy badly, but then again, I always do (much like most of you). I hate it; it's awful. GRRR!!!
I'm contemplating leaving my husband. Realistically, things are never going to get better long-term. He doesn't have the capabilities to change and I don't want this to be my life forever.
I've discussed it with a couple of friends and they agree but have also advised me to wait to make any decisions and to act on them until I'm settled in my new job, as the combination of the two would be too stressful for me. I agree.
I'm so sad that this is the way things are. I wish he could change. I wish he was the person that he could be if only he tried. Basically, I just wish things were any other way than what they are.
I've left once before and have always said that if I ever left again, it would be for good. It's stupid just going back and forth. I'm pathetic; I came back to give him another chance, but things haven't improved and I'm STILL here.
My eating and fat voices are stressing me out even more than usual. That combined with my husband and starting a new job soon...I think I'm going crazy.
Ho hum; the week-end went okay. The only fatty thing I ate was 2 slices of pizza. I was cranky about it, but week-ends are ALWAYS my worst time, so I guess that amount wasn't too bad for how I usually am.
As per usual, lots of wine...
That said, this week-end was one of my all time worst in regard to trying to ignore the 'you're fat and worthless' voices. They were screaming at me left, right and centre every minutes of every day. It sure made for a depressing week-end.
Last night I did 2500 sit ups; I do them like I'm on a bicycle and move my arms back and forth so my elbows touch the opposite knee (I hope that makes sense; there must be a name for the actual exercise!). I did a fair bit of exercise over the week-end actually; all in an attempt to banish the 'voices' but they just didn't disappear or even get smaller.
What's the go with some of the dodgy people on here? Surely they have better things to do that put crap and unbelievable posts on here?!?!? (the popcorn diet? WTF; do they think we're stupid?)
Please don't reply to any of their posts. It isn't worth it.
Hope you're all doing well; stay strong and good luck :)
Last night was a doozy of a night. My husband is drinking too much and saying some awful things. He keeps asking me if I'm having an affair because my behaviour's changed. I'm not having an affair but OF COURSE my behaviour has changed towards him; he's an inconsiderate, immature, irresponsible ass.
I know I deserve better than this. I'm so unhappy and drowning my sorrows in wine everynight.
Last night I just thought "What the hell am I doing here? This is never going to get any better. My life is pathetic and like fucking Groundhog Day".
The things is, everything seems to be wrong. It isn't just a certain thing that he could change, I can't even pinpoint what the actual problems are, it just feels like EVERYTHING.
I DO love him, but am I IN love with him? I also wonder whether I am just staying because it's the easy option. I have a fantastic house and don't want to lose it. Separating is a really hard thing to do (both mentally and actually doing everything) and I'm not sure I have the energy or the inclination to do it. Plus, what if that was the wrong thing to do?
God, I don't know what to do or think. I have every possible option to help assist him to change and they work in the short term, but never long term.
I am seriously starting to wonder whether I should just cut my losses with him.
The worst thing is, he can be the greatest guy and he has SO much potential to be fantastic all the time, he's just too lazy.
FUCK THIS - it's doing my head in :(
I braved the scales and weighed myself this morning; I've lost half a kilo and now weigh exactly 52 kilos. That's not too bad, given how much alcohol I've been drinking. Any loss is a good loss, I suppose.
I'm feeling extremely stressed. Things with my husband are still going badly.
I'm scared to start my new job. I work with my best friend and I'm going to miss her SO much when I leave. That's the only reason why I want to stay here - she's my constant support and it's so good to have access to her all day. I also feel nervous and anxious in new situations; I HATE meeting new people in a new environment. It's makes me feel so awkward. Are any of you the same and, if so, how do you overcome it?
I hate fat.
I hate me.